I was a Teenaged Communist Nymphomaniac
A True Story
My sordid story began the day I bought my new Buster Brown saddle shoes. I was on my way to the Malt Shop to show the rest of the gang when a swarthy old man beckoned to me from an alley. Like any thrill-crazed teenager I followed him back amongst the trash cans, hoping he would expose himself. Instead he offered me a gnarled little cigaret. "Go ahead" he lisped lecherously, "You'll like it, and the first one's free." "What is it?" I asked naively. "Why, don't you know, sweetpea?" he smirked lasciviously. "It's ... COMMUNISM!"
Like all addicts I told myself that I could try it once, just for kicks, and then quit. But the first pungent, sweet suck of smoke sent me slack-jawed and slavering into a socialist stupor. From that moment the fatal intoxication of anarchy had me "hooked", a slave to the International Conspiracy. I craved more and harder stuff and soon began to "mainline" Maoism. Unable to concentrate on anything but my daily "spoonful" of socialism, I dropped out of Hi-Y Club and took up with perverted peace-pukes, hustling pinball to support my habit. Sometimes I brought my "straight" friends to orgiastic Communist Parties, urging them to snort some Stalin or turn-on to Trotsky.
Yes, I was a real Red Freak but I could't stop. Once, at Thanksgiving, I tried the Cold Turkey cure. The agonizing symptoms of Marxist withdrawal -- runny nose, smelly feet, night soiled sheets -- sent me in a desperate frenzy to Tijuana or TJ (pronounced tee-jay) as it's known in the leftist subculture. There I hit rock bottom, performing the famous "Chiclets-and-a-donkey" perversion for an audience of taxi-drivers. With the dirty money I earned I bought ten lids of Leninism, hid it on the donkey and prepared to run the border.
Then, while waiting in the customs line I received my salvation! I noticed a group of smiling, care-free people dancing and singing the beautiful Zog chang "Zog Wah Zog Wah, Wah Wah Zog Zog........" They explained the cosmic mysteries of the Garner Ted Zog Anti-Communist Crusade. I immediately embraced Zog conciousness and found that I no longer needed Communism to get high, I was naturally high on Garner Ted Zog! Now I am completely cured and have taken a useful place in society. Take the advice of one who's "been there", listen to Zog and never take that first puff of rancid Radicalism.